Dream a little dream October 24, 2007

Over the last 24 hours I have been forced to confront an issue I have, which I didn’t consciously realise was there. Here’s my problem: I don’t dream anymore. Not in the sense of when I go to sleep, but in the sense that I don’t aspire. I don’t have ambitions.

When I was younger I was such a dreamer. Anything was possible in the future and I dreamt all the time about what could happen or what I’d like to happen…

Then I went through a time when all my dreams were sort of ripped away. And although thanks to God I am pretty much entirely past that time in my life, there’s still a few bits of me that need fixing. I’m still a work in progress, and I think this is one of those bits. It’s sort of like I have subconsciously established some kind of self defence mechanism, which stops me from dreaming so I won’t get hurt when they don’t work out. I mean it’s not 100% of the time but…

When I was speaking to my friend about this last night, I tried to think when was the last time I’d dreamt of something happening. I figured I have dreamt of something once this year, and that was back at the start of April. I applied for this job, had a second interview and was down to the final two candidates. It was the first job I could remember applying for that I actually really really wanted. When I got called back for second interview, I actually allowed myself to dream of what it would be like if I got that job. Which meant when I didn’t get it, it was as though more was being taken away from me and it really really hurt.

April… and it’s now nearly November. Why don’t I dream? I guess because it hurts. But I need to learn to dream again. I need to aspire. When I arrived in America, a lot of people asked me if it was how I expected it to be. I told them I honestly didn’t have any expectations. I justified my lack of anticipation to others and myself as being due to the short notice of my trip. When I made myself think about it last night I realised this wasn’t true. 3 or 4 weeks is plenty of time to wonder about what may be coming. But I didn’t allow myself to think about it, because I did not want to find myself disappointed. In coming to the end of my time here, I realise it would have been ok to dream, because everything has been so much more amazing and awesome than I could ever have imagined. There would have been no disappointment or hurt there.

Don’t get me wrong – not dreaming hasn’t made me unhappy. I’m not sad and without hope for the future. I’ve just sort of slipped into this mindset that ok, I’ll just do whatever God puts in front of me. Now there’s nothing wrong with that per se, but say God wants me to dream? What if in not allowing myself to dream I am actually inhibiting my getting to where God wants me to be, and doing what He wants me to do? I mean, I know that if God wants me to go somewhere he will get me there, kicking and screaming if necessary, but am I making it harder than it needs to be? And how can I encourage those around me to dream big and chase those dreams if I can’t do it myself? That just makes me a hypocrite, which I don’t want to be.

I really feel this is something God has made me aware of over the last couple of days. I had this conversation last night, and then today I was in a meeting and the idea of dreaming and encouraging people to chase those dreams came up repeatedly. And every time it did I felt like God was sat there next to me giving me a little nudge in the ribs, like “Did you catch that?”

The more I think about it, the more I realise I have been stopping myself from thinking about what I want to happen in the future. I know I have no idea what’s happening when I go home, where I go from here, what direction I should be taking with my life. I have been praying about it. A lot of sort of crazy ideas have floated through my head from time to time, and looking back I realise I have been batting them away and not allowing myself to consider them. Refusing to dream of what could happen because my mind deems it unlikely and doesn’t want to risk the disappointment. But what do I know? At the start of this year I would not have had the courage to dream of coming here to America, because my mind would have deemed it unlikely. God can do anything.

I just wonder if maybe God is teaching me this now because the ideas I am batting away at this moment are actually the dreams I really need to chase.

Nice guys finish last? October 15, 2007

There is a phrase I really hate and it’s this:

“Nice guys finish last”

Google informs me that baseball player Leo Durocher is to blame for first uttering these words which have now seeped into the male psyche. What a muppet. One of the worst parts is that he was originally referring to baseball. It was a sporting comment. But it has been embraced by society and is now taken to mean nice guys finish last in everything, including when it comes to women. I have had strikingly similar conversations with several of my guy friends, each of whom has bemoaned to me the fact that this is obviously where they’re going wrong in life – they’re being too nice, and women don’t appreciate that. What really irritates me is their refusal to believe me when I tell them, speaking from the female perspective, that this is a load of nonsense. They’d rather take the word of a dead baseball player. That or they pull out the “well you must be the exception” comment – well what about my sister? My female friends? Are you saying they’re all so stupid as to want a guy who’ll treat them like dirt? To be honest, the suggestion is pretty much offensive! I mean, how do they think our brains work?

“Hey – this guy will never appreciate me or treat me right, he’s an idiot, he’s insulting, he’ll cheat on me and break my heart…. yes! Sign me up!”

Strangely my brain has never quite followed that thought pattern. Why does the world feel the need to tell guys they have to treat women badly in order to succeed? And what on earth possesses them to believe it?? Why would I have any desire to be with a guy who is going to hurt me?

On my google search, I just read a sort of interesting article on the net which posed the theory that nice guys who aren’t succeeding with women like to hide behind this phrase as an excuse. That they don’t really believe it. I also then read a blog, written by a guy who is clearly feeling a little bitter. He fully subscribes to the nice guys finish last belief.

Whether guys legitimately believe it or not, Leo Durocher was talking rubbish.

Nice guys don’t finish last. Not with me, or any of the other girls I know.

Happy Bunny October 13, 2007

WORLD CUP FINAL!!! BRING IT ON!!!

Ahem. For those who may not have already ascertained this fact…. the England rugby team somehow did it again today, and defeated the French 14-9 in the semi-final of the world cup. I am stunned, excited, amazed and feeling as patriotic as I ever do right now! I am proud to be an Englishwoman. Not a pretty performance but it was absolute determination and refusal to lose that saw them through. Sheer guts and violence. I honestly felt sick for almost the entire duration of the match. My stomach was in knots! Thank heavens for Jonny Wilkinson.

Though my personal favourite moment was Paul Sackey and Toby Flood combining to take Sebastian Chebal into touch. Awesome. Goodness knows how I’ll fare next Saturday – I may greatly resemble a gibbering wreck. You have been warned!

Oh, and since this time I was actually able to watch the match, I can only conclude it must be the underwear…

I can’t fight this feeling I’ve got October 9, 2007

I have a heavy heart today. I feel split in two and it hurts. In 3 weeks time I will be heading home and I feel sad, happy, guilty and scared.

Sad because I do not want to leave my friends here. I didn’t think I could come to be so attached to people in such a short space of time, but I have. Every time I hang out with people it gets worse. I have fun and it’s awesome and then I realise how much more it will hurt to leave them. It almost makes me want to pull back from people. But I don’t, because that’s not in my nature, and because I should make the most of the time I do have to spend with all these great people that God has put in my life. I want to try and build up our friendships so that they are strong enough to last me living 4000 miles away, wishing it was only 4.

Happy because I really do long to see my friends and family back home again. Little things keep reminding me of them and when they do, I miss them. I want to see their faces and talk with them in person. To catch up on everything that’s happened in the last 3 months, more properly than is possible via an e-mail or a facebook message. I want to hug my family, and talk nonsense with Jen until far too late at night. I want to share with them all my experiences over my time here.

Guilty because I do not want to leave. I feel that I should want to go home. That my feelings of wanting to see my long-term friends there should somehow outweigh my desire to remain here with my new friends. That in wanting to stay here I am somehow betraying old friendships. That isn’t how I feel, I still care so much for those back home, I just… feel like I fit here too. And I have had so much less time with those here that I want more. I know the relationships I have with people back home have strength to them. When I go back, it will in some ways be as though I have never been away, and that’s awesome. But when I go back… I don’t know when I will see my new friends again. When I left, I knew it was 3 months until I saw those I cared about. Now, I won’t know how long it will be before I can see those I care about here again.

And scared, because I do not know what the future holds. I am trying very hard to not worry, to trust God and I know that He knows what he’s doing. But I can’t help but be a little afraid. I have no plan beyond the next 3 weeks. Once I get home, I have no job and no direction once again. I’ll get some temp work I’m sure – I’m not worried about money or anything – but I do not know where I should look to next, what I should do.

I know that all this can be solved if I can trust. If I can find it in me to just deal with what is in front of me and not worry about tomorrow. That’s just easier said than done right now!

A question October 8, 2007

I was reading through some of the sports updates on the BBC website and I happened upon the report of James Toseland taking the World Superbike Championship title for the second time. As I read through it, one thing he said stood out to me:

“This is what I live for, this is the only thing that matters, getting this trophy.”

Now maybe it’s just me, but does that not strike you as a particularly sad statement? Maybe he wasn’t being entirely serious, or didn’t mean it in the way I take it, but say that’s true. Say that winning that title is the only thing that matters to James Toseland. What kind of a life is that?

It set me thinking though – what am I living for? What matters to me? And if I say I’m living for God then do my actions show it? Or are they just empty words and an automatic response because I consider it the “right” answer? How can I make sure that Jesus is what and who I’m living for? I guess it comes down to priorities, like so many God related things. If Jesus is my number one, then everything else should flow from that. If Jesus is top of my list then I won’t want to do any of the things He doesn’t want me to. I will want to help others and live following Christ’s example. It’s so basic – if Jesus is my Lord and King he belongs at the front of my mind, in the number one position, over everything and everyone else. Where I mess up and slip up and get tempted away is when Jesus stops being my priority. When I push Him down… put other things above Him. I need to get my priorities right.

What are you living for?

In a world gone mad… October 6, 2007

Today something amazing happened. No actually something utterly astounding happened.

England beat Australia in the quarter finals of the Rugby World Cup.

They are now through to the semis, where they’ll play France who (equally incredibly) dumped New Zealand out of the contest!

I can think of three possible explanations for this unforseen turn of events:

1) I was unable to watch the match.

2) In my talk last Sunday, I used the England rugby team as an illustration, and said they weren’t winning anymore.

3) I wore my Union Jack underwear today.

Today’s results really have thrown the whole competition completely off balance! Out of the other half of the draw I would say Argentina and South Africa are favourites to come through (although I would dearly love it if Scotland could cause an upset). I would probably call France as the favourites at this point, especially with the confidence that will come off the back of beating the All Blacks. That said, morale in the England camp will also be sky high! It’ll be a pretty rough match on Friday. Still whatever happens, we’ve at least done ourselves justice, rescued a little pride, and put up a decent defence of the title. Far more than I honestly expected we would manage when the tournament began. Hurrah! Jonny Wilkinson is now also the man to have scored the most points in the world cup ever.

Also today: Andy Murray won in the tennis and is through to the final of an ATP tournament in Metz – his first since February, Amir Khan defended his Commonwealth Lightweight title, and Lewis Hamilton qualified in pole position for the Chinese Grand Prix in Shanghai. If he wins, he will take the World Championship title in his rookie year – the first driver ever to do so.

Not a bad day to be British! :p

Oh how I love all God’s animals… October 4, 2007

I just got peed on by the dog.

Nice.

Rebel rebel… October 4, 2007

Last night we sat outside Starbucks and amongst other things we briefly talked about revival. I got the Wimbledon theme tune stuck in my head for some reason. Random music in my head aside, it was cool and I felt a little like a revolutionary for Christ for a moment. Which was funny, but when I think about it that should surely be how it feels to be a Christian. I remember Brent preaching at WEL a few weeks back and he was talking about the early church and how in the context of the day it was a real underground rebellion type of thing. Saying Jesus is Lord was a huge revolutionary statement, because the saying was that Caesar was lord. To claim anyone else as lord was a shocking and dangerous statement. Following Jesus is all about living for him, which is so often, if not always, against the ways of the world today. We are called to live a life different from the world, we are free to no longer have to follow the “rules” of the world but instead to seek God’s wisdom and follow His ways. Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” This surely makes us rebels – albeit peaceful ones, rebelling through grace and love. And if we are seeking to bring about change to the world on a large scale, and bring Jesus to the masses, then surely that makes us revolutionaries? I think it is so easy to lose sight of that and of how much of an exciting and amazing thing it is to follow Christ, to have a relationship with the creator of the entire universe… I mean, what’s not exciting about that? That’s the greatest thing ever! Yet we lose sight of it. I pray that I won’t. That when I get back home to sleepy Barton Seagrave and St Botolph’s I won’t just fall back into going to church as a routine. God is amazing and incredible and with me. God is with me. God has worked and is working in me and through me. How on earth can that happen? What right do I have to such an astounding privilege? None whatsoever, yet by grace my Father has gifted me with that opportunity. How can I ever cease to praise Him for that?