“It’s a bittersweet symphony this life” – The Verve
Richard Ashcroft was right when he wrote those words. Bittersweet pretty much sums up the last couple of weeks of my life. I had some of the most wonderful times I can ever remember… and then I had to leave. And leaving always highlights what you’ll miss. I am now a person divided. Part of my heart is in Canton, Ohio and part is here in Kettering with the rest of me! I wonder if there will ever be a resolution to that. If I will ever be entirely whole in that respect, or if I will forever be saying goodbye to people I care about, wherever I am headed to.
The last three months were honestly the greatest experience of my life. And for so many reasons it would take far too long for me to explain here. One thing I know though, and that is without the friends I made it would not have been the same. I couldn’t have handled it. I don’t think I will ever be able to properly explain to them how much they mean to me, how awesome they are and how much I appreciate their friendship and willingness to hang out with the English girl! They explained American football and baseball to me, let me watch the rugby, took me shopping and gave me rides everywhere. We made pumpkin pie and pancakes (both English and American), painted ceramic things and went to Starbucks more times than I can count. Chinese take-away and hugs when I needed them. Trips to Panera and Walmart. IHOP at ridiculous times of night. They let me fall asleep on their sofas and shoulders, got me through step aerobics sessions and invited me into their homes. We carved Disney characters into pumpkins and took trips to World Market just to satisfy my Cadbury cravings. They laughed and then translated for me when people didn’t understand my accent. Drove me to Canada, put up with my anti-America rants every now and then and allayed my fears I was going to be killed by the weather. Hiding in the basement after tornado warnings, firing dart guns across the office… I could go on at length! So many people who made such a difference in my life. I will never forget that.
To leave was so hard, and yet coming home is nothing terrible. I very much love the people here too, I just wish that I could be in both places at once. Or that Kettering and Canton were somehow neighbouring towns. Just a short drive apart. It is bitter to leave, but sweet to be here and see those I have been away from for 3 months. Just as I know, if I somehow manage to go back for an extended period of time, it will be bitter to leave those here, but so sweet to be back amongst everyone I will have been missing between now and then.
I guess the whole thing is made even more difficult by the fact that God very much seems to have answered my prayers in terms of allowing me to dream. In an utterly amazing and unexpected way. To start a relationship with someone 4000 miles away is crazy, I am well aware of this fact. Yet after much prayer logic has somehow been thrown out of the window. It was overpowered by feelings. Which is somewhat of a change from my last blog post! “Realism” and refusal to believe something so ridiculous could ever work out… certainty that it would only end in hurt… determination to protect myself from that hurt and disappointment… Somehow these attitudes which have for so long now been a part of my mindset have been broken! And though I cannot see the future or know where this will lead, I have been enabled to try, to believe that it is possible, to have this seemingly utterly irrational but amazing hope!
Whilst it seems irrational, it also seems the only possible option at the same time. I can see all the reasons why it may not work, and all the things which are against us. It is hard, and I am under no illusions that it will get easier with time. And yet. I am constantly laughing at myself, because the way he makes me feel is so incredibly unlike myself! He makes me feel beautiful and cared for and if you know me then the very fact that I am writing these words is evidence in itself! When just the sound of someone’s voice makes you smile then you cannot just walk away from them. That would be the irrational choice.
Hmm, this blog has wandered a little away from my original point! Perhaps life is always bittersweet for one reason or another. Mine is just feeling the extremes of both right now!
