Some thoughts June 23, 2008

One of my friends lent me a book recently called Captivating. It’s about being a Christian woman. But it’s unlike any other book I’ve ever seen on the subject.

 

It’s amazing, and kind of frightening, and it made me cry. All because it is so… true. I haven’t got very far with it yet, but it’s talked a lot about how we feel as women. The things we don’t even really let ourselves acknowledge that we feel. Like the idea that we’re both not enough and too much, all at once. Not enough of all the good things; not funny enough, smart enough, attractive enough, and too much of the bad things; too emotional, too dependant. So we feel like we’re somehow failing, and we try to put up a facade so nobody will find out about our weaknesses.

 

The same things can’t surely apply to everyone, but for me this book has been completely spot on so far. It’s really making me think, particularly about the way I view myself and how I relate to others. It’s made me realise that I frequently hold back from people, especially members of the opposite sex, and I just tell people what I think they want to hear. The things that I think will make them have a positive opinion of me. And I try to hide things about myself that I think won’t go down well, because I worry that I will somehow let them down and they will think badly of me. But in doing that, I’m not really letting people know me at all. I’m underestimating my friendships, and in some ways inadvertantly insulting my friends and myself all in one go.

 

I’m going to try to work on that.

 

I don’t feel like dancing. June 20, 2008

I feel like the Croatian football team.

Tonight, they played Turkey in the quarter finals of Euro 2008. After 90 minutes of normal time, and 28 minutes of extra time it was 0-0 and heading for penalties. Suddenly, from nowhere, the Turkish goalie got off his line, entirely out of position, and Croatia struck. Joyful celebrations ensued. 1-0 with barely a minute left to play. Simply the added time onto extra time. One minute. They were in the semis for sure. Until Turkey took it all away. Levelling in the last second of play. 1-1. Croatia were crushed. They lost 3-1 on penalties. So much effort, they got so close… but all for nothing.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been on various job interviews. I have driven backwards and forwards to Cambridge more times than I can recall. There was this one job I really wanted. I went for one interview… I was called back for a second… they asked for a reference… I did psychometric testing… my second interview lasted two hours. Yesterday I heard that of the two candidates they had already seen, I was the preferred choice. That just left one. I was so close. It looked like I had it. But then they took it all away. So much effort, so close… but all for nothing.

The disappointment is almost made worse right now by the really positive feedback they asked the agency to make sure they passed along to me. The people who interviewed me said I was an excellent candidate, it was a really difficult decision, I really shone and if anything else comes up they will automatically seriously consider me for the position. But even all that wasn’t enough. There wasn’t any more I could do… makes me wonder how I can ever get a job I really want.

There is a bright side though. I have been offered a different job by another company. A 6 month contract which doesn’t pay as well, and honestly idoesn’t seem all that exciting or challenging for me. But any job is better than no job, the people were nice, and it’s within good walking distance of my new house, so I’ll save a packet on petrol at least! It could well be a good thing for me. It’s just hard to see it clearly right now when I had been so focused on the other.

I need a hero! And cheaper petrol. June 11, 2008

Beware, I’m going to start with a serious rant. But bear with me, things will lighten up later in the post!

According to this story which appeared on the front page of our morning paper today, demand for petrol in Britain has dropped 20% in the last 12 months, as fuel prices have escalated. It cost 92.6p per litre in March 2007 and now stands at 117p and rising. The IEA (International Energy Agency) seem to think that it’s a sign more people are choosing to use public transport because it’s cheaper. This says a lot about the ridiculous cost of fuel, since public transport is as expensive here as it has ever been – just now it is becoming the lesser of two evils. To be honest, I think it’s more likely people are simply being forced to choose not to take long journeys due to the expense, and that’s why petrol demand is down. I wanted to go to Manchester tomorrow to visit some friends from Ohio, who are in the country for one week only, but I quite simply cannot afford to go, either by car or by train. I think if the government doesn’t work something out pretty soon in terms of either stopping the rise in petrol prices or lowering the cost of public transport, the country is going to grind to a halt.

I’m glad I’m moving to a place where I’ll be able to walk more and use my car less.

Speaking of which, I had two interviews yesterday afternoon – quite a stressful thing actually, difficult to get my mind out of one job and into the other in such a short space of time. I think they went ok, I’m due to get some feedback from the agency later this week. We managed to get lost on the way to the first one, so I was a couple of minutes late and rather flustered. Then at the second interview the receptionist somehow failed to inform them that I had arrived, so I was left waiting in a room for 40 minutes before I got to see anyone! Hey ho. I’m just glad they’re over and done with. I slept slightly better last night. Although I still had weird dreams, I think I only woke up once in total.

The highlight of my bizaare night-time adventures so far this week was the thoroughly believable concept that several of my friends are in fact secretly superheroes. A fact I discovered in my dream when they were called upon to rescue me from a life-threatening situation.

I think I’ll have to start keeping an eye on them just in case it’s true…

And lastly today, for no reason at all except for I think it’s an amazing picture, I leave you with a pig. Wearing boots.

To sleep, perchance to dream… June 4, 2008

My mind is wandering and wondering if I’ll get a decent night’s sleep at any point in the near future. It has been a good three weeks since I last had such a thing and I am beginning to despair. You see I have been having dreams. Weird, vivid and crazy ones at that. So it’s not so much that I’m not getting the sleep, more that I wake up feeling disoriented and distinctly un-rested.

 

They’ve not been nightmares or anything, so fear not – I’m not being traumatised in any way. It’s just never ending, random, very real seeming visions in my sleep! For example, the other night I dreamt I was running away from a big, scary organisation, being pursued by one of my friends who was in their employ. I was trying desperately to persuade him not to chase me but he wasn’t convinced… so I hopped onto an underground train through London, and was then racing up some steps following a friend from Texas who I’ve never met… I can’t quite remember what happened next, but I woke up in the morning convinced we had two overly large lemons in the kitchen.

Which is a little odd, even by my standards! Perhaps when everything in my life calms down a bit, my mind will too. Until then, who knows what bizarre fruit-related adventures I may encounter when I close my eyes…

I might as well face it I’m addicted to… June 4, 2008

Nope, not love (as Robert Palmer sang) but instead, The West Wing!

Having previously gone on record declaring Alias to be the best TV show ever to grace our screens, I fear I must retract that statement because the West Wing provides some serious competition. I know I am a late-comer to the West Wing party – joining long after the final episode of the 7 season success has aired. However this does have the benefit of allowing me to watch back-to-back episodes from the DVD boxsets, instead of being forced to wait each week to find out what happens next.  I blame my addiction on my sister, who caught me when I was ill and my defences were down. Stuck in bed with only my TV for company, somehow season one, disc one found it’s way into my DVD player. And the rest is history. I’ve just started watching season three, and though I’m getting through the episodes at quite a rate, I’m going to have to step it up in a big way if I’m to make it through to the final show before I move out in a little under two months time. Something tells me I may be smuggling President Bartlett and co. out with me…

 

West Wing watching aside, this week I have been mainly enjoying being at home for a few days in a row, having several culinary successes (including that sweet potato crumble I have been craving for so long) and paying far too much to get my car through it’s MOT.  Yesterday I had a needle stuck in my arm (under the guise of “vaccination”) and proceeded to very nearly faint in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery. All good fun… I think.