75,000? Really? April 6, 2009

Approximately one year ago I put a video on YouTube. It was something I put together whilst volunteering with the youth ministry team at a church in Ohio. Some words and pictures to go along with a Misty Edwards song, to be used one week during communion to help the teenagers focus and reflect. I remember finding it harder than I thought I would. At the time I struggled to connect with the song for some reason…  weirdly it’s now one of my favourites. Anyway, I created a YouTube channel mainly for sharing a few vlogs with some friends and thought I may as well add this video too.

 

One year later and it has just passed 75,000 views.

 

And because YouTube doesn’t count multiple views from the same IP address, that means 75,000 different computers have viewed that video. That’s amazing! I mean… the video only exists because in a meeting of a few people in a church in Ohio it was decided that it would be a useful thing for one service, one week.

 

Now people all over the world have watched it. Amazing. The song (I Am Yours) is fantastic and I have no doubt at all that this is the reason it has been viewed so many times - the video is not that special! But just the idea that God can use that set of circumstances to bring that song to so many people and encourage them, when we thought it was just for one Sunday morning… (I’m going to sound all American, but I believe they do have the only phrase that fits here)… it blows my mind.

 

It reminds me how God can do whatever he wants with our little actions. They can have repercussions as big as he desires.  I find that incredibly encouraging. I so often feel that in the grand scheme of things and the big picture of this world, I am so small and insignificant… anything I do is just a whisper in a hurricane. And this is true. I am that small, and it is just a whisper. But God is the ultimate sound technician. So that whisper can do whatever he wants it to. It can go to one person or 75,000. Or 75,000000. The number doesn’t matter because that’s not what its about.

 

It’s about God and his glory. And he can and will use the little I’m able to do in whatever ways he chooses – big or tiny - to glorify his name. Brilliant!

Independent woman? March 3, 2009

I was listening to the radio this morning and they started playing Independent Woman by Destiny’s Child. As I was (naturally) singing along I suddenly wondered about the words I was actually saying. There’s such a big emphasis on being independent in today’s society, like it’s terrible to depend on someone else. And it just struck me that this is kind of weird.

 

I mean, to all intents and purposes I’m independent. I live with housemates, have an OK job, pay my rent and bills. I can cook, I do my washing and I know how to change a lightbulb.

 

But I depend on people. I depend on my family. I depend on my friends. If I didn’t… I think I’d be a pretty unsociable and unloving person. If it didn’t matter to me if they were there when I turned around or not… what would that say about my relationships with them? And if I didn’t depend on other people, then would other people really be able to depend on me?

 

More than anything else I’m dependent on my heavenly father.  I can’t do anything without him, but with him all things are possible. Knowing that I can depend on him, that he will always be there and will never abandon me… it’s amazing. And essential in my life. He gives me strength, and courage and a reason to get out of bed in the morning on those days when all I want to do is pretend the world isn’t there.

 

So do I want to be an independent woman?

 

No thanks!

 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Seeing through subjective spectacles February 24, 2009

With the aim of becoming slightly better read, I have begun an adventure into the “Classics” section of Borders (other bookshops are available!).  Thus, I find myself currently reading Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. And using words like “thus”. I’m quite enjoying it so far, although I do occasionally find myself a little frustrated by his elongated descriptions of the fictional countryside of Wessex. I find his prose far more interesting when it turns to people, and his observations about them. My favourite is as follows:

 

“In making even horizontal and clear inspections we colour and mould according to the wants within us whatever our eyes bring in.”

 

I reckon this is true of how most of us view a lot of things in life. We are subjective. We don’t always see what is there, but what we want to be there. Instead of who people really are, we sometimes see only who we want them to be.

 

I think we can make this mistake with God too. We try to make him what we want him to be. But to do so, turns God into some sort of fictional, created being, and therefore what we end up believing in isn’t God at all, but an entirely imaginary character.

 

God doesn’t fit into our wants. He doesn’t fit into our box. He’s not going to change because it would be more convenient for us, or because we think it would be better for us, or because we think we’d find it easier if he was a different way. He cannot be coloured or moulded.

 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

 

- Isaiah 55:8-9

 

God is eternal, beyond our full comprehension, glorious and never changing.

Our God is an Awesome God July 7, 2008

I had my first day of work in Cambridge today and it was not too bad – many thanks to everyone who has prayed for me and continues to pray for me. My colleagues were friendly, it seems like a good company to work for, and we get to play Mario Cart during our lunch breaks! I’ll admit that yesterday I was having slight panic attacks as I was packing my things to come to Cambridge, and not just because the Wimbledon final was so incredibly tense! Which reminds me, before I go any further – yay Rafa!

Excellent. Well done Rafa! It was a good sporting day yesterday actually, what with Hamilton winning the British Grand Prix too. Anyway, where was I… Oh yes. I was panicking. I was just so worried and scared about the future I think, the new job, the new place, the new people… So once I finally got on the road to Cambridge, I started to pray. And as I did, I began to remember all the wonderful things God has done in my life over this last year. The incredible experiences I had in America. How much He taught me about Himself, and about myself. How much I can trust Him to carry me. I thought about all the awesome people I have met this year. And all the old friendships that have been rekindled. Of all the words and gestures of love and support there have been from the ridiculous number of wonderful people my heavenly father has placed into my life. Yes, there have been difficult times, tears, worries and heartache. That is all natural in this fallen world, and it isn’t easy. But my Lord has never let me down. He will never leave me. I am in the complete care and love of the greatest father there could ever be (and that’s no slight on my earthly Dad at all, who I love very much!).

 

By the time I arrived here I had calmed down completely. And whilst there were a few nerves this morning on my way to work, the panic has gone. God is great!

Some thoughts June 23, 2008

One of my friends lent me a book recently called Captivating. It’s about being a Christian woman. But it’s unlike any other book I’ve ever seen on the subject.

 

It’s amazing, and kind of frightening, and it made me cry. All because it is so… true. I haven’t got very far with it yet, but it’s talked a lot about how we feel as women. The things we don’t even really let ourselves acknowledge that we feel. Like the idea that we’re both not enough and too much, all at once. Not enough of all the good things; not funny enough, smart enough, attractive enough, and too much of the bad things; too emotional, too dependant. So we feel like we’re somehow failing, and we try to put up a facade so nobody will find out about our weaknesses.

 

The same things can’t surely apply to everyone, but for me this book has been completely spot on so far. It’s really making me think, particularly about the way I view myself and how I relate to others. It’s made me realise that I frequently hold back from people, especially members of the opposite sex, and I just tell people what I think they want to hear. The things that I think will make them have a positive opinion of me. And I try to hide things about myself that I think won’t go down well, because I worry that I will somehow let them down and they will think badly of me. But in doing that, I’m not really letting people know me at all. I’m underestimating my friendships, and in some ways inadvertantly insulting my friends and myself all in one go.

 

I’m going to try to work on that.

 

Beaten to it May 28, 2008

I was going to write a blog about an article I saw on the front page of the Daily Telegraph this week. It was going to be about some Bishops in the Church of England, and some of the ridiculous things one of them has said about not evangelising to Muslims.

But my dear sister has beaten me to it! And it seems a little unnecessary for us to write two pretty much identical blogs. So therefore I do urge you to go and read what she’s written at http://www.giraffealicious.blogspot.com/ 

What a faithful God have I April 21, 2008

It was a confirmation service at our church last night. For those who don’t know, this is a service basically designed for people who were baptised as babies. The bible says that those who decide to accept Jesus’ sacrifice for their sins and the salvation that his death and resurrection bring should be baptised. It is a symbol of the new life that we are born into when we begin following Jesus, and a public proclaimation of faith. However many people today (myself included) are baptised as babies, when obviously we really have no idea what is going on. I think infant baptism is more a sign of a promise from the parents that they will bring up their child to know and love Jesus as they do. Which is obviously no bad thing. Confirmation is an opportunity for those of us who have been baptised as babies to confirm our faith in Jesus and our relationship with him as our own.

 

Anyway, last night got me thinking about my own confirmation, which I realised was now 8 years ago. That’s the best part of a decade! In some ways I can’t believe it’s been that long. I thought about where I was in my relationship with God all those years ago. I was excited, but I now realise that really I had no idea just how excited I ought to be! I have been through a lot in the last 8 years. I went through some incredibly dark times, and God was there with me every step of the way and brought me through them. I have strayed away so many times, in small ways and big ways, yet every time my God has forgiven me and has brought me back to himself. In all the uncertainty I have faced He has provided answers, given me wonderful experiences and so many good things which I do not deserve. He will never abandon me and He will never cease to love me. No matter what I do or how many times I mess up. I have the most amazing, wonderful heavenly father who will see me through this life and greet me in the next with open arms!

 

How can I ever forget this? I find myself now once again facing a lot of uncertainty about the future. Questions crowding into my mind - what is right? where should I be? what should I do? what can I manage? And I worry. Yet I have no need to worry! God who created me, who looked after me so much in the past and who loves me so dearly that he allows me to call him father… is he about to up and leave me? Forget about me? No! My God is faithful to the last, and He is watching over me. He cares for me and with Him by my side, although life will not always be easy, He will guide me through it.

 

“But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.”  – 2 Thessalonians 3:3

Warning: my head may explode March 3, 2008

Whenever I fly it always gives me a sense of just how big the world is and how tiny I am in it. It’s been said that flight, the invention of the internet and other such things, have made the world a smaller place. I disagree. I think we are just now better equipped to grasp just how vast the earth really is.

It starts before I even get on board the plane. Sitting at an airport and watching thousands of people come and go, hurrying to travel to different destinations all over the globe, each for different purposes, different reasons for travelling. Flying up above the clouds and thinking how huge the sky is, and how far the universe goes on beyond, how many millions of people are waking up on the ground below, into a million different situations. How many conversations are going on at that one point in time, how many children are being born, how many lives lost… in every passing moment.

It makes my brain hurt.

I think about how complex my life is, how many people I know, how I feel about each one of them. The issues I have. My hopes, fears, prayers, memories, desires.  All the different situations I’m in and who I am to different groups of people. And then realise that everyone’s life is at least as complex as mine. I am one in 6.5 billion. And somehow they all fit together, and we all exist together, and interact, and impact each other. Yet so much of the time we only think about our own complicated existence, never considering that everyone else has just as much of an intricate mixture of things and people in their lives. We exist so much inside our own heads. Everybody in the world, all 6.5 billion of us, has a myriad of thoughts in their minds at this precise moment.

I haven’t even started on my thoughts of the rest of creation outside of the human race! Billions of bizaare species of every creature imaginable… all living, breathing, hunting, breeding, fighting, growing. There is so much going on in the world in every split second. Rain, snow, hurricanes, tropical storms, blizzards, sunshine, fog, hurricanes. And every part of the world is different somehow, yet it all keeps going.

And beyond the earth, above the sky… huge lumps of rock and ice hurtling through the vast expanse of space, orbiting a giant ball of flaming gas, perfectly balanced in it’s gravitational pull. Beyond that… galaxies of stars, stretching on and on and on… and we think this world is big?? I am this miniscule creature, amongst billions of others, on a tiny rock, in the smallest corner of God’s universe! And yet…

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

- Luke 12:6-7

God knows how many hairs I have on my head. How many cells I am composed of. He knows every thought I have ever had and ever will have. He is holding together every part of me and sustaining my existence every passing second. By His power I keep breathing. And not just me, but everyone. All 6.5 billion of us. Those who love Him and those who hate Him. He sustains his enemies even as they defy Him and deny Him and rage against Him. And even more than this… not only did God create me, and continue to sustain me, but He loves me. And not a fleeting love as we know the term, but real, deep, never-ending love. Love enough to send his son to die in my place, when I did not even want to know him.

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

- Romans 5:6-8

That is grace and mercy at an utterly incomprehensible level!!!

Things could be marvellous January 2, 2008

“Open up the window and jump into the blue.
Things could be marvellous…”
- Lightning Seeds

Sometimes it’s easier to find the courage to face something you really don’t want to happen than to have the guts to chase after something you really want. I think it’s easier because you have nothing to lose. Whereas if there’s something we want more than anything in the world, we don’t want to have to confront the possibility of discovering it’s never going to happen. So we do nothing.

If you never try you can never fail. But you’ll never succeed either. Much as it pains me to admit, I have often declined to follow up on opportunities in life because I fear that failure too much. It sort of links in with what I wrote about dreaming a couple of months back. Dreaming is the first step. Finding the courage to push to make those dreams reality is a whole different challenge. I’m learning, gradually. It’s a slow process! I have a few good examples around to show me how though, most particularly my dear Giraffe-a-licious sister, whose writings are now popping up on websites here, there and everywhere. She finds the courage to put her skills under the scrutiny of unknown critics, and she’s succeeding

Now God has answered my prayers and enabled me to dream again, I pray that He will give me the courage to follow through and fight for those dreams.

Where is my blog entry going? December 24, 2007

As I start to write this, I have no idea what I’m going to blog about. I guess there are a lot of things in my head, but they’re all mixed up and intertwined with one another. That or my head is an empty vacuum… which is possible at this time on a Monday morning, especially on Christmas Eve, when being at work (as I am) is not exactly where I want to be! That said, much as I did not want to get up out of bed and head into work today, it did allow me to witness a completely beautiful sunrise. This is the one bonus of it getting lighter later in winter, since in the summer I am never awake early enough to catch it! The sight of all the winter trees silhouetted against a sky of orange, pink, white and blue was rather spectacular. If I’d had time I would have stopped to take a picture but, in a shocking and unusual turn of events, I was running a little late!

I think I’m finally excited for Christmas! Even though I wish a certain boy was not going to be 4000 miles away on the day… We had the carol service at church last night, which was great in a number of ways. One of them being that it was awesome to see so many people in the church, another being that I love singing carols and it made me feel festive at last. The main reason though was that it helped me to re-focus on what Christmas is. What we’re actually celebrating. Christmas. God’s amazing gift to us in Jesus! And that makes me very.. I was going to say happy, but actually joyous is a more accurate word. Happiness can be fleeting, whereas joy… I think it is possible to have joy deep down inside even when you’re not super-happy on the surface. It’s longer lasting. Though I am currently both joyous and happy – lucky me!

On an entirely unrelated topic, did anyone else see the programme on BBC2 last night where Richard Hammond went and met Evel Knievel? I wasn’t intending to watch it, but somehow got drawn in. It was interesting but generally I found the whole thing kind of sad. I guess he met him just a few months before he died. And he was a strange guy. Very frail by that point and kind of tempermental. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of him, and I don’t think Richard Hammond was either.

However, I did like the moment where Hammond (looking rather disconcerted) said, “It’s all just got very American!”

I could empathise with that!

Oh by the way… anyone in need of a laugh on a regular basis should investigate installing a webcam in my kitchen. I mention this only because for today’s early morning dance-off (with… erm… myself!) I traded Simon & Garfunkel for Slamm by Pendulum…

Imagine that.